i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
