we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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