actually, I'm a sock model
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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