The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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