You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
