I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
