The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Boobs are out for the taking
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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