Pappa wants mamma naked
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
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