That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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