well you can't waste a boner
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
