; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
