the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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