wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
