I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
