I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
