im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
