Umm I'm too high to move.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
