just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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