I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
