i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
