So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Im part way to drunk.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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