I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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