Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
