just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
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