my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
