Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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