I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
