life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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