Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
why do cheetos always look like penises
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
