Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
