My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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