my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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