so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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