I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
