i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
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