I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Randomize
