I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Less talking, more tequila
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
