do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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