Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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