You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
