It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
