I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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