you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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