I faked an abortion last night.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Randomize
