oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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