Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
