I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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