I got chris browned last night
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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