I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
