what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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