They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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